Here With Me
by suspend your disbelief
Summary: {Kaoru's thoughts of the entire trip through Kyoto.} Since when can one person become another person's entire world? And what happens when that person leaves?


This has been bugging me since I first heard the song. It's not as nice as I wished it could be, and since I haven't seen the Kyoto episodes in what seems like forever, this may be slightly inaccurate.   
  
Summary: This was my interpretation of the Kyoto arc. I tried to divulge Kenshin and Kaoru's inner feelings.   
  
Spoiler: Almost entire Kyoto arc.   
  
Disclaimer: Not mine. Not now. Not ever.   
  
  
  
Song: "Here With Me" --Michelle Branch. (Another song that's not mine, but I wish it was. ^^; )  
  
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{It's been a long, long time since I looked into the mirror. I guess that I was blind, now my reflection's getting clearer.}  
  
It was unreal to her. To Kaoru, his leaving was the nail on the coffin. She finally got up from her bed, after two days of sulking, thanks to Megumi's taunting and teases. She looked into the mirror and was disgusted at what she saw. Her matted hair, her incredibly large, bleary eyes. She had no idea of who she was, or why she was there anymore. She had fallen in love, and he was taken away from her. She didn't know what to do with herself. Until Megumi had struck an idea into her. She was going to bring her Kenshin back. Hopefully, he'd let her.   
  
She took a last glance into the looking glass, and was somewhat comforted with her thoughts. She'd pick herself up off of the proverbial ground, and get him back. She was always a strong believer in dreaming and doing, and she wouldn't leave Kyoto without him by her side.   
  
{Now that you're gone, things will never be the same again.}  
  
She prayed that he -wanted- to come back. The dojo was only missing one person, but it seemed as if all traces of life had vanished, leaving nothing but an empty dojo. Yahiko was there, but there were no usual calls of "Ugly" or "Hag" to be heard. And in a few ways, she missed it. She wanted things to be back to the way they were before, when everyone was basically pretty happy.   
  
{There's not a minute that goes by, every hour of every day.}  
  
There was not a moment that he wasn't in her thoughts or in her heart. Every step she took made her heart ache, even though she knew it was only to bring him back. She didn't feel as if she could move on without him. Life was almost meaningless without him. What was the point in living if she wasn't happy?  
  
{You're such a part of me, but I just pulled away.}  
  
Kenshin found himself on the dirt road, leading to the place he called "home" so many years ago. He thought he had left these dark memories in the past, but instead they just ruined the future.   
  
He remembered Kaoru, back at the dojo, his heart breaking as he walked. He cared so much for her. . . But he had to hurt her. He couldn't let Shishio's regime take over. But it was one of the hardest decisions he ever had to face. Watching her cry for him left lasting impressions on his very soul. He had hurt the person who meant the most to him. But he had to leave her, he knew. But it didn't make handling it any easier, for either of them.  
  
  
  
{Well, I'm not the same girl you used to know.}  
  
Kaoru had boarded the boat without more than a few words. A few possessions in hand, she stood on the deck, her features reflected in the water below, a few tears gliding down her cheeks. She was not as innocent as before, or so she thought. She hadn't killed someone, and she had full belief in her ideals, but this time. . . she had experiences in love and broken hearts. She had almost. . . matured a bit, if only a little, it still showed in her eyes and in the way she talked to Yahiko. She was growing up, learning to feel what love was and the torture of being away from the one she held the most dear.   
  
{I wish I said the things I never showed.}  
  
She wondered vaguely about the circumstances. If she had told him what she felt, would he still have left? Would it have made her feel any better? Would it hurt worse, knowing he knew the extent of her love and still left anyways?   
  
She did know, though, that it hurt to harbor all of these one sided feelings without anyone there to talk to about them.   
  
{I know you had to go away.}  
  
She knew he had to. There was no way around it. They both wanted Japan to be a better place, and couldn't stand the thought of innocent people dying under the rule of a madman. She knew that he wouldn't let the people down, that he would save them even if it killed him.   
  
But it didn't make dealing with it any easier.  
  
{I died just a little.}  
  
She remembered laying down on her futon, and how she felt. How everything was worthless, and cold. She didn't want to die, but it felt like death. Feeling alone, and without him there to help her, and to talk to her, made her feel empty.   
  
{I feel it now, you're the one I need.}  
  
There was no doubt in her mind anymore; she knew that her true love was him. He was the one she loved and could depend on. He was the shoulder she could cry on. The guardian angel that cared about her being, and protected her.   
  
{I believe that I would cry just a little, just you have you back, now. Here with me.}  
  
She would do anything to have him come back. She would have given anything to end this nightmare. To free Japan of Shishio, to free herself of a broken, shattered heart would be a miracle, a savior to all of the people involved. She prayed for his safe return to her, because as far as she was concerned, he was coming home.   
  
{You know that silence is loud when all you hear is your heart.}  
  
She had found herself at a lonely cabin in the woods. A man by the name of Hiko lived there, as far as was told, and she thought she had a good chance of finding him there. But she was deathly afraid. What if he hated her? What if she wound he had died somehow? Her heart thumped hard against her chest, and she was shaking, as the door opened, revealing the scarlet haired, diminutive samurai's shock evident on his face as he took in her form, his mouth slightly agape.   
  
{And I wanted so badly just to be a part of something strong and true.}  
  
Kaoru smiled, or tried to. The end result was something a bit different, a kind of shock and sadness. "Are you angry with me, Kenshin?" She asked softly, looking into his eyes. She had to know if this was all for nothing. If he still cared about her in the least little bit. She wanted him to rejoice with her coming, and embrace her, saying how much he missed her. . . But that was far from what happened.   
  
{But I was scared and left it all behind...}  
  
Kenshin glanced at her, almost dropping the empty water bucket and embracing her with all the love he had held in his heart for so long. But, he couldn't let himself do that. If he had confessed to her, and fallen under her spell, he knew he'd never make it out again. He had to keep going, and Kaoru was the only weakness he would succumb to.   
  
"Half of me is excited to see you. The other half, however, wishes you had stayed in Tokyo where you belong."   
  
He said it simply, his tone even, as he looked away from her and passed her, trying his best to avoid further acknowledgment.   
  
{I know you had to go away.}  
  
She had expected something like that from him. . . But for some reason, it hurt even more than expected; as if someone had taken a kodachi and sliced her heart to ribbons. It seemed as if he really did want to leave her, by the way he refused to look at her, and he refused to smile.   
  
{I died just a little.}  
  
She felt hollow on the inside. Her worst fears had been affirmed right before her very eyes, and this time there was no one to help her. She truly was alone again. And there was no one who could understand the way she felt, and the pain she was experiencing. No one could aide her in repairing her life. . .   
  
{I feel it now, you're the one I need.}  
  
Except one person. Yes, one person could help her. . . But Kenshin was just too close, and yet too far away from the problem. There was no talking to him anymore; he would either ignore her or he left the room. She couldn't force him to listen, especially under Hiko's eye. The older man would just order around his "baka deshi" so he would leave the room, allowing him to eye her suspiciously. There was a definite level of mistrust in his eye, as if he was wondering where and why Kenshin had picked up such a woman. She wasn't a lady. . . yet, she wasn't a "broad" either. But why she would want anything to do with Kenshin, including his past, had set up a shield of mystery around her, and in Hiko's mind, she was guilty until proven innocent.   
  
{I believe that I would cry just a little.}  
  
She didn't know how to prove to Kenshin that she cared for him, or that she wanted him back. She didn't have the words to express to him any of her feelings; her devotion. She would cry for him, if it proved it. But again, there was no getting through to him. It was as if he purposely put up an invisible barrier between them so her words wouldn't reach him; have the opportunity to change his mind.   
  
Because he knew they could.   
  
  
  
{Just you have you back, now. Here with me.}  
  
He was so close, but so far from her. He wasn't himself, just a cold, uncaring, unhearing individual. . . And it pained her heart to watch him. She felt her time at Hiko's cabin grow to an end, as she thanked him hastily and bid her farewells to Kenshin, smiling, and with kind eyes. And again, he seemed to ignore her.   
  
{And I'm asking. . . And I'm wanting you to come back to me, please.}  
  
She didn't dare ask him personally. But she strayed a bit away from Hiko's residence, until she could hardly see it, and said, "Kenshin. . . Someday I'll find you again. And then, I'll be ready to ask you to come home with me. . . But now. . . Now, I don't know what to do. I'm so sorry.. . "   
  
She was sorry for her feelings, sorry for the fact he always had to protect everyone, sorry that he had to leave, but overall. . . sorry that there may not have been another chance to say how much she cared.   
  
Her journey brought her to the Aoiya, a restaurant of sorts in Kyoto. The people there were friendly, though there was another girl there also lost in her own broken heart, searching for a man named Aoshi Shinomori.   
  
Kaoru didn't know how to help her, except to encourage her and befriend her. But she had her own haunting memories of the past. Her own reminders of a love unrequited.   
  
{I never will forget the look upon your face.}  
  
She couldn't sleep well, and when she did, she was filled with dreams of that night in the wishing firefly forest. . . May 14th. . .   
  
She remembered it like it was yesterday.   
  
Every last word echoed in her ears, though she tried to block them from her ears. His scent was still invigorating her senses, making her go insane. She missed him so much, everything reminded her of him. But the thing that really unsettled her the most was that he looked upset when he had to go. Like he didn't want to leave. He looked dreadfully sorry. . . But that had all changed when she first met him Kyoto. Was it because he time to think about it all? Or maybe it was all a disguise. . . She was hoping upon the latter, but she really had no clue to base it all off of. Just a heavy, tattered heart, and wishfull thinking.   
  
{How you turned away, and left without a trace.}  
  
She remembered how she fell to the ground, sobbing. How he didn't turn back to console her. He heard her, but ignored her so he could go forward. He couldn't handle coming back to her, because if he did, he'd never leave.   
  
{But I understand that you did what you had to do. And I thank you.}  
  
But she didn't even try to cling to him. She didn't try to call his name, or go after him and stop him. That was the choice he made, and if he thought it the best decision, then she would respect it and let him go. If it was all for the best in his mind, she would trust him completely.   
  
But now, she wasn't so sure.   
  
{I know you had to go away.I died just a little.}  
  
Little did she know the toll taken on Kenshin. He fought, and he saw her face. He realized what he had lost, and what he would never gain back. He knew it was the right choice, but why was it always him? He knew he was being silly, but he felt slightly jealous of families that were happy, the families that were depending on him to make the right decision; to save them.   
  
Couldn't it be someone else, for once?  
  
He was nearly dead, lying on the ground in Shishio's lair in Mt. Hiei. And he had considered letting go. It just seemed so much easier than living with the constant burdens. Living with the knowledge that he had caused so much heartbreak. But he remembered Kaoru. The sweet, innocent girl that had captured his heart in such a short amount of time, and he felt the need to survive again. He picked himself up and fought, the sound of Kaoru's voice and her scent of jasmine leading the way.   
  
{I feel it now, you're the one I need.}  
  
He had gotten hurt, but he didn't care. He had, eventually won. Sanosuke, his best friend, understood how he felt, and took him to the Aoiya.   
  
Kaoru had been much better off. Seeing Kenshin and having talked to him about some things had made her feel rejuvenated. He had promised to her that he would return, and that they would go back to Tokyo. Together.   
  
She worried for him incessantly, but Hiko, who had joined the group at the Aoiya, had assured her that his "stupid student" would make it through just fine. After all, he always had.   
  
{I believe that I would cry just a little.}  
  
Kaoru still cried for his safe return, though. As the days turned to weeks, and there was still no word, she didn't know what to think.   
  
Until the cheers of Misao and Okina had snapped her out of a trance one afternoon.   
  
"Kaoru, Kaoru! Come here! It's--" Sano had shushed her, and as Kaoru turned the corner, her eyes brimmed with tears.   
  
"Kenshin!"   
  
And even though he couldn't reply, she still knew he was there.   
  
{Just you have you back, now.}  
  
He wasn't the same for a few weeks. He was still recovering, and though he wanted to get up, no one would let him. But it still felt nice for Kaoru to laugh with him, when she came in every so often to check up on him.   
  
And after that time of recovery, he was back. And he was the same understanding man he always had been. But he always looked at Kaoru with a different look in his eyes, Slightly softer, slightly more fond. It was slight, extremely slight. But it still made Kaoru shiver with excitement.   
  
  
  
{Here with me.}  
  
And as they walked the last few steps to the dojo, he heard her say, "Welcome home."   
  
And then he knew that love was forever.   
  
They were home, together.   
  
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Please do tell me what you think! 


End file.
